Hello, 911?

I have a rant. (again) What’s with me this week? I’m not sure, I guess I haven’t had enough human contact. I have lots of words to use!!

So listen up! (please?)

Let’s see- how do I discuss this without making myself look like a complete idiot? Well, most likely you will think I am an idiot after reading this no matter how I defend my case so without further ado here’s my story on why I didn’t know you could call 911 for non emergencies.

Ever since I was brought into this world (March, 26th of 1988 @ 4:27 am? Close enough) I was told to N E V E R call 911 unless it was an emergency.

And here’s the deal, emergencies to me fall into the category of A. chopping off your head B. lighting yourself or anyone else on fire or C. anytime there is a lot of blood.

Things that are not considered a 911 phone call emergency to me (well to me they are, but I tend to overreact so to everyone else I didn’t think this was a 911 phone call emergency situation)- someone banging on the window.

Long story so short, someone banged on our windows tonight twice (believe me it was scary) so naturally I panicked and called the boyfriend to come over. I did NOT call 911 because to me it wasn’t an emergency (ie- I wasn’t on fire, my head was still attached to my body and there was no blood in sight). Just a freaked out blonde girl afraid to look out the window to see who it was.

So blah blah blah, fast forward through the night and after multiple phones calls to friends, landlord, mom and boyfriend asking what to do, the conclusion was to call 911.

Umm okay whatever you guys say….

My first (& hopefully last phone call ever to 911):

Me:  “Hi, 911? First of all, I’d just like to start off by saying this is a NON EMERGENCY call, just so you know. Someone was banging on our windows and it scared me so now I’m calling (45 minutes later) to report this incident. I’ve never called 911 before so I’m really nervous; please excuse me as I fumble through my words. Also, police office, I was texting and driving today. I just wanted to get that off my conscience. Thank you, I feel much better now.”

Police office: “Okay, so you are calling to report an incident that happened 45 minutes ago? Why are you just calling us now?! (sassy tone).

Me: “Well, I didn’t know this was under the category of emergency so I didn’t want to dial 911. I left a voicemail with the non-emergency police station asking them to call me back tomorrow so I could report it.”

(sassy) police officer: “First of all, the nonemergency police department doesn’t have a voicemail  and second of all, that doesn’t even exist so I’m not sure who you called.”

Me: awkward pause/shifty eyes…”Okay, welllll, I guess I’m not sure who I left that voice mail with either then. But I left a voicemail with someone! And now that someone has my phone number and address (soo that’s a little awkward).”

Sasspants p.officer: “So what did this man who banged on the windows look like? Can you give me a description of him?”

Me: “No actually I can’t give you a description because I didn’t get a look at the person. The last thing running through my mind was to open the blinds and look at the person banging on my window at night as I was home alone. I guess I was more concerned with not pooping my pants out of fear  my safety mr. police officer.”

S.P.O: “Alright, well we are going to need a description of this guy so we can catch him. Also, a lot of burglaries have been going on around where you live… just so you know.”

Me: burglaries? GREAAAAT news!!! ..now im even more scared. (Do they make diapers in my size?)

Me: “Okay well ill be sure to get his/her name, address, date of birth and how they take their coffee next time he/she swings by to bang on my window.” Two sugars or one?

S.P.O : “Yeah because without a description he/she will be hard to catch. Also, next time don’t wait 45 minutes to call us you stupid idiot.”

Lesson learned: call 911 RIGHT AWAY, do not pass go. Also, be sure to get the name and number of the intruder, and where he/she can be contacted during the day. You could also invite them in for coffee? Just a thought of mine.

I’m off to practice my kickboxing skills all night and purchase some pepper spray. Shit’s gettin serious ova here.





6 thoughts on “Hello, 911?

  1. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!! How scary!!!!!! You did the right thing, though, even if it was 45 minutes later! The cops need to be aware of crap like that goin down in neighborhoods.

  2. This is terrifying. I most definitely would not know what to do. I also would have probably waited way too long to call the police. I also NEVER would have looked out the window. I would have locked myself in a bathroom with a knife instead.

    ALSO – your birthday is ONE DAY after mine! Same year too! Birthday (almost) twin!

  3. Caitlin, you are hilarious! You have a gift for writing; you took a serious situation and turned it in to one funny read. Of course, I am glad nothing more came of this, and yes, the police do need to know when stuff like this happens. I love your blog!

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